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Dihydrogen Monoxide  

1) Green Energy - How to not use it
2) Railways - History and Future
3) A Silly Story
4) Cinderella
5) Croess
6) The House
7) How to Control Your Government
8) After Expenses: Is it time to abolish the House of Commons?
9) Say "Yes" to the EU
10) Dihydrogen Monoxide - An Appeal
11) The Train Operator's Guide to Getting Students Drunk in a Brewery
12) The Well
Department of Comment, Satire & Tripe

An appeal

The substance dihydrogen monoxide is quite common internationally with very little being known of its many dangers. Despite the fact that inhalation of very small quantities can cause death within seconds (far more rapidly than any snake venom), it is taken orally by great swathes of the world's population in large quantities on a daily basis. Long-term users stand a severe risk of dying within 24 hours of consumption - indeed, many recently deceased elder people, it has recently been discovered, have taken up to four pints of dihydrogen monoxide over the previous day and have been pursuing this habit for much of their lives. It is thought that they believe that it remedies certain bodily pains, yet over-consumption in the short term can result in undesirable side-effects. It is also internationally used as a cleaning agent, despite the worrying effects which it has when human skin is exposed to it for any length of time - effects ranging from mild wrinkling to long-term fungal infections for which there are few reliable cures.

Dihydrogen monoxide is also a major threat to our modern way of life. Small quantities can cause major road accidents. Larger quantities can cause substantial property damage and widespread fatalities. It is responsible for the destruction of many buildings in recent years and its intrusions into ships has been known to cause them to sink - or, at the very least, decay until they are useless. It is also used as a cooling agent in certain nuclear power stations - it is believed that Chernobyl made use of it. This popularity is despite the fact that it is one of few non-metal fluids to conduct electricity; large numbers of people are electrocuted every year when they and electricity simultaneously encounter an area of this chemical. Meanwhile polluting industries like to mix their deadly produce with this substance which cannot be removed except with extensive rubbing.

This is an odourless substance which is not immediately noticed by many, despite its dangers. It takes only very small quantities to render bread inedible, ruin sugar and dissolve large quantities of salt. Its presence encourages the decomposition of many foods - meat in particular.

In its solid form, dihydrogen monoxide has been known to cause incredible damage to the landscape. Despite this solid format only breaking down slowly and otherwise remaining exceedingly and remarkably solid, plus its ability to cause burning and loss of limbs if contacted for more than a few seconds, people at parties put it in their drinks.

The gaseous form can also cause burns and is a recognised greenhouse gas which is far more serious than the comparatively insignificant carbon dioxide.

In certain circumstances or when mixed with certain other chemicals such as lithium, dihydrogen monoxide can be made to explode.

The area which particularly concerns the Order of the Bed is that getting a quantity on a bed can render it unusable for lengthy periods. Consequently the Order recommends that this deadly chemical should be collected up, put into brown paper bags and despatched to Mars as soon as possible. Our staff are utterly bewildered as to why people have gathered in Copenhagen, Kyoto and other such places to arrange to rectify its absence.

For more information on this terrible substance, visit the Dihydrogen Monoxide Research Division (external link).

Last modified 18/03/11

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