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The Pig Family

1) Green Energy - How to not use it
2) Railways - History and Future
3) A Silly Story
4) Cinderella
5) Croess
6) The House
7) How to Control Your Government
8) After Expenses: Is it time to abolish the House of Commons?
9) Say "Yes" to the EU
10) Dihydrogen Monoxide - An Appeal
11) The Train Operator's Guide to Getting Students Drunk in a Brewery
12) The Well
Department of Comment, Satire & Tripe
Department of Planning and Idea Generation

A light-hearted take-off of the familiar fairy story about three little pigs and a big bad wolf.

Once upon a time three brothers called Pig arrived in Britain with an intention of making money. They decided to build a housing estate on a bit of spare land, so they bought a few acres cheap and set about developing it. They drew up plans and decided to build houses in three styles - "natural" wood, "countryside" straw and "town" brick.

They duly found some jerry builders and began putting three prototype houses together on different parts of the estate, working with a little difficulty as they had never had to work with cheap British builders before.

A few days into the work the Council found out about this and became particularly annoyed as the Pigs had, unaware of certain legal obligations, omitted to get planning permission. Councils move fast when their rights as a council are infringed, and therefore it was not many minutes before Mr. B. B. Wolf, their building expert, was sent out to examine the place, with authorisation to demolish it "on sight", as it were.

Mr Wolf arrived prompty in a fairly smart car, got out, and strolled up to the first house. The first Mr Pig was standing there, proudly examining his new work - a rickety two-storey wooden house standing in a mud puddle.

Mr Wolf first introduced himself but was irritated to note that he didn't appear to worry the pig. He then examined the structure critically. He looked it up and down. He then moved in, measured it, checked angles, studied the stairs, tried to close the front door, put his paw through a window, noting the lack of glass, made notes, looked at the electrics and water supply, couldn't find either, and finally approached Mr Pig.

"Mr Pig," he said firmly, "your house is unfit for human habitation, built without planning permission, and suffers from excessive fire risk."

"Fire risk?" responded Mr Pig angrily. "It doesn't suffer from fire risk. Safe as a house."

"As this house, yes," replied Mr Wolf. "I'll perform the standard test".

He got out a box of matches, lit one, and held it against the front wall. The wall caught fire, the fire rapidly spread throughout the structure and, with a few crashings, the house soon burned to the ground.

Mr Wolf returned to his car, got a sign announcing "Condemned. Unfit for human habitation" out of the boot, hung it on a charred piece of wood which reached higher than the rest, and walked off, making further notes about the late structure. Mr Pig just sat down in a mud puddle and looked miserable.

After some looking Mr Wolf found the second building on the estate, with the second Mr Pig on the phone to the first as he moved a few stalks of straw into better positions from the top of the ladder and got warned about a mad arsonist from the Council wandering around the site burning down houses. After some loud-throat clearing from Mr Wolf the slightly portly developer lowered himself down the ladder and trotted over.

Mr Wolf introduced himself and was informed that he didn't need to worry, as he "wouldn't find anything wrong here," Mr Pig assured him.

Mr Wolf just began his examination. After discovering that the walls were badly interwoven and bent in lots of different directions he walked inside. The kitchen consisted of a fire in the corner next to the wall with no chimney. The windows sagged. While the first house had been given a floor of sorts with uneven wooden boards this had straw which had already slipped into the mud. The water supply came direct through the roof. There was no electricity.

He strolled out and summarised the house to Mr Pig as being unfit for human habitation, with excessive fire risk, no planning permission, and a possibility of it falling down the next time the wind blew. Both turned briefly to look at the house, with Mr Pig ready to defend his structure, and at this point a gust of wind came over a hill and the house blew down.

Mr Wolf just shrugged and abandoned another pig to sitting down in a mud puddle while he went off to look for any further properties.

After some exploration he came across the third Mr Pig, who was building a wonky chimney badly while talking on the phone to his colleagues. Upon seeing Mr Wolf he came down amiably, introduced himself, and proudly took the building expert around his new showhome. The lights worked, taps came on, the roof was sealed and the chimney was set up for an electric fire.

Mr Wolf strolled outside and looked thoughtfully at the house.

"How good are you at moving houses, Mr Pig?" he enquired lightly.

"Not very," was the response. "Why?"

"I'm afraid," said Mr Wolf slowly, "that you have made one error with this house, which may affect its entire future. It does not have planning permission, and therefore I must advise my colleagues at the council that it should be knocked down."

Mr Pig, shocked, sat down in the mud.

The following morning the Council demonstrated its rights, which it must have to prevent lots of pigs from doing this sort of thing, and the house was demolished. Mr Wolf took a day off in the country out of the way, and the pigs, denied the pleasure of lynching him, merely departed to a country where there is no such thing as planning permission - something which, with all these new straw houses about, is not good for the country's government.

Last modified 14/03/11

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