A Fairy Story
Once upon a time there was a girl called Cinderella.
Her mother died when she was young and her poor father remarried.
Her step-mother already had two daughters from a previous marriage,
with a steady income due to the dilligence of the Child Support
Agency. The step-daughters were always very well dressed, often
in clothes which had belonged to Cinderella's late mother, and
made her do all the dirty work. Cinderella was very keen on keeping
things tidy, and so her father never realised about her terrible
life down in the kitchens.
Meanwhile the local Prince was in trouble
with the tabloid newspapers on a weekly basis for his one-night
stands with various high-brow maidens and was under a great deal
of pressure from his parents and their advisors to get married.
He decided to hold a party for any ladies who wished to turn
up and he could decide if he wished to marry any of them. The
press made cheery comments about a waste of taxpayer's money
and how disgusting it was that the Prince might be about to marry
a woman of low standing.
However, the party was the centre of much
interest in Cinderella's household. Her father was very keen
that all three girls should go. Her step-mother was very keen
that her daughters should go. The step-daughters were both very
keen to go as long as the other one didn't. Cinderella also longed
to go, but found that a great deal of work had suddenly been
found for her by her step-sisters. So she settled down to do
that while her step-sisters went to the ball. Her step-mother
went too, for some reason.
With her father away on business and everyone
else out at the ball, Cinderella was having a quiet time and
hoping to get everything finished in time for a late rush to
the ball. She was just giving up on this idea when a large woman
holding a strange stick with a silly star on the end appeared
in the middle of the room.
- "Who are you?" demanded Cinderella.
"You just appeared out of nowhere."
- "No I didn't," replied the large
woman, "I appeared out of a mass of nitrogen, oxygen and
- "Whatever," sighed Cinderella.
"What're you doing here? I have to get this lot tidied so
I can go to the ball."
- "It's next year, is it?" enquired
the woman cynically.
- "No, tonight. Not sure if I'll be going
really. Who are you anyway?"
- "I'm your Fairy Godmother, dear,"
smiled the woman, placing extra emphasis on the capital letters.
- "I have a Fairy Godmother?" Cinderella
was surprised. This almost sounded like one of those tax scams
which those adverts on the telly were asking people not to indulge
in. She looked the woman up and down. This Fairy Godmother did
look like an elderly relative of some kind.
- "Oh yes," said the Fairy Godmother,
"and Cinderella, you shall go to the ball!"
She waved her stick and the washing up, rubbish
and stacks of back editions of Lovely Ugly Sisters disappeared
into several black bags, which neatly knotted themselves and
sailed off in the general direction of the back door.
- "Well, that's the rubbish sorted,"
said Cinderella. "What about me? I've got nothing to wear".
- "That's easily solved," said the
Fairy Godmother. "Get me two glasses, a cat and a pumpkin."
Cinderella, puzzled, did as she was told and
watched as the Fairy Godmother turned the glasses into glass
shoes, the cat into a chauffeur and the pumpkin into a grand
luxury car. Then she turned Cinderella's rags into something
- "Wow," said Cinderella, looking
at herself in a mirror, "but isn't the car rather modern
for a grand party?"
- "Never mind," said the Fairy Godmother.
"It'll show that you're forward thinking and willing to
embrace new ideas. Royalty like people who suggest that."
- "The other thing," Cinderella added,
"is that you've created this lot in the kitchen and it won't
fit out through the door".
- "Some people are never satisfied,"
grumbled the Fairy Godmother and, with a wave of her wand, levelled
the house and left them standing by a pile of rubble. Cinderella
- "Don't worry," the Fairy Godmother
continued, "All these spells will wear off at midnight -
apart from the shoes, which aren't serious enough."
So Cinderella thanked the Fairy Godmother,
got in her car and was driven off to the ball. Unfortunately,
while Cinderella was proceeding clockwise around the M25 on her
way to the Palace, several people managed to crash their cars
three miles beyond her junction on the anti-clockwise carriageway.
As everybody on the clockwise carriageway then stopped for a
better look, Cinderella ended up still being in the car ten miles
from her destination when it turned back into a pumpkin.
This meant that not only did she have to walk
home while covered in pumpkin, but the Prince never met her and
so didn't marry her. Instead he had the step-mother divorce Cinderella's
father so that he could marry a good, steady sort of person in
the comfortable knowledge that her daughters weren't in line
to the throne, and gave Cinderella's father a small pension,
which was then taken away from him by the Child Support Agency
and paid to the daughters as essential support. Meanwhile Cinderella
shacked up with the boy at the off-licence, had three children
and lived happily ever after.