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Whether or not you need an article on this
is up to you - many unfortunate people find it quite easy to
fail their General Certificate of Secondary Education exams without
the slightest bit of difficulty - but this is for those who can
pass their GCSEs far to easily for their liking and wish to fail
them instead.
We will go through as many subjects as possible.
Over time more may be added. |
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1) English
English, arguably, is a bit pot-luckish anyway
for many.
Questions are generally along these lines:
"Look again at lines 33 - 71.
What impression is the writer trying to obtain
by repeating the phrase "The grass was green"? (10
marks)"
Duhhh. Obvious. The writer is trying to say
that the grass is green (like the background of this page really)
and wants to hammer it home. However, that's too short for ten
marks.
And the question is so pointless. And the
writer is being so pointless.
So you could say one of the following:
- The writer is trying to give an impression
that they are stupid.
- The writer is trying to give an impression
that the reader is stupid.
- The writer is trying to give an impression
that the examiner is stupid.
All of these are possible, so it depends on
your personal feedback. Bulk them out if you want to, and quote
something a few times. You'll fail better if the quotes are from
a completely different passage.
And, your question is, how will these answers
make me fail my GCSEs if they are all perfectly reasonable?
With ease. Examiners don't really like this
sort of answer, so that's that question gone. 0 marks scored.
In your personal response to the poem, say
that it's rubbish. Don't give reasons. Reasons get marks. Marks
mean a pass. If you're aiming to pass, you should be reading
a different webpage.
In order to increase your chances of failing
here, put the answers to the questions in the wrong order, so
something like C3, B2, A4, C1, A3, B3, B1, C2, A1, C4, A2. And
then number them from A1 to C4. The examiner will be so confused
they'll just mark everything wrong.
That's your English GCSE failed then. |
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2) Maths
Maths is a not excessively hard GCSE to get
if you remember that the whole scheme of Maths is based around
1 (and the fact that if you double it you get 2).
So to fail it you forget that. Pretend that
1=4 and 1+1=7 or something.
And make the answer to all your questions
9, which doesn't take long to write but isn't a terribly popular
answer.
If you think the answer is probably 9 (the
square root of 81 is a very risky one here), write 9.2. Make
sure you include the wrong units - measuring everything in paperclips
is always a good bet.
That should remove all risk of you going out
into the world qualified to do something with Maths. |
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3) Science
Science is rather more iffy.
One of the more important equations in Physics
is speed=distance÷time. Muddling that will help you fail
that exam. Ignore rules about forces, so say that gravity helps
you fly, and claim that there are no disadvantages to nuclear
power. And ignore everything anyone ever tried to teach you about
global warming. Say it, acid rain and the hole in the ozone layer
don't exist. That's useful for failing all the sciences.
Biology contains lots of 20-letter words and
to fail that exam you spell them wrong and put them in the wrong
places. And say smoking is good for you.
Chemistry: there should be copy of the Periodic
Table on the back or on the first page. Ignore it. Answer questions
about elements with something about Earth, Wind, Fire or Water.
Well, that should solve all your worries over
that GCSE. |
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4) Languages
Answer the paper in the wrong language. So,
if your paper is on French, answer the questions in German.
Students who do Welsh may wish to écrire
en Français, and vice-versa.
And answer any sections where you have to
write in English in the language which you were supposed to answer
the rest of the paper in.
If you can't be bothered with all that, make
up a language and answer the whole paper in that. |
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5) History
To fail, the following ideas may help:
- Answer the wrong question.
- To be even safer, answer the wrong question
from a different paper.
- Muddle up history - say Hitler invaded Cuba
and the USA were invaded by Vietnam.
- Remember - it can be difficult to fail History
this way without appearing offensive (which is why we don't have
many ideas here). So be offensive.
- Muddle up Martin Luther (16th century) and
Martin Luther King Junior (20th Century).
There are lots of other ideas available. It
mostly depends on what course you're doing. |
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6) Geography
Once upon a time two brilliant people called
Geoffrey Williams and Ronald Searle came up with a very stupid
Geography question split over two pages. For copyright reasons
we won't repeat it.
However, it is possible to make a similar
mess. For flooding questions talk about when your sink overflowed.
When you are asked where somewhere is, say "Earth".
Muddle up latitude and longitude. Bungle the differences between
More Economically Developed Countries and Less Econmomically
Developed Countries. Defend tied aid (where you give someone
a tractor in exchange for them buying all petrol and spares from
you - it then turns out to be a gas-guzzling tractor which blows
up twice a week, thereby making a very profitable bit of charity).
Read maps wrong and put the Central Business District of London
in Watford.
That should dispose of that GCSE. |
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7) Religious Education
While an easy GCSE to get a C in, this does
not immediately mean that it is hard to fail dismally and get
a U.
If asked for reasons about why marriages spilt
up, get back together and so on, blame it all on British Airways.
When asked about non-violent activites by religious people, talk
about breakfast. Talk about one side of an argument and remember
from English that reasons get marks. As you are out to fail no
reasons should be given for your opinions.
Feel free to mix up answers and put various
religious beliefs under the wrong religions (so give Catholic
beliefs under the heading "Protestant beliefs" and
so on. |
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8) IT (or ICT)
Mix up the hard disk, the floppy disc and
the compact disc. Say that spreadsheets are designed for people
who need new, larger bed linen. Confuse keyboard commands, and
say that the motherboard is what you put someone who has never
used a computer before on so that they will learn how to deal
with it quicker.
And add that the RAM is there to make the
funny noises as a large sheep attempts to get out and return
to its family.
Don't use any technical terms and insult computers
in general. |
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9) Music
It helps if you can't talk about music, play
a musical instrument, express opinions or recognise anything
about music. Accusing Mozart of being a rock star is something
which will instantly prove ignorance. Identify a drum as a saxophone.
Remember - opinions mean marks. So no opinions
please.
Once you know how to play a musical instrument
you should also be able to play one badly, as you know where
to put your fingures and feet to get the best possible discords. |
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10) Art
Art is a hard subject to completely fail.
The Arts Council has been known to fund pictures of Heinz baked
bean tins and piles of bricks so you can't expect handing in
a blank sheet of paper to relieve you of all your marks.
Don't do any preparation. That would get you
marks. Not doing prep. work means that you'll get no mark in
three-quarters of your exams, and that will increase your chances
of a U.
Overall, this is a subject where if you wish
to fail you should just avoid the exam. A doctor's note will
get you off any charges, although at a risk of being awarded
marks as a form of compensation for not being able to attend,
although if you didn't do any prep. you shouldn't get you too
many of those. We can provide you with a
form. |
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11) Media studies
This subject analyses media. To fail, simply
produce the wrong analysis. So say that an article on a murder
is about eating poisonous fish, and says that it's a very good
thing for the community. That'll go down badly to begin with.
Which, if repeated enough, with comparisons
between articles being muddled, will probably fail you the exam. |
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To guarantee a greater chance of failure do
not do any coursework, as this could get you as much as a D.
You need to do a lot of work for this. To
fail an exam properly you have to be sure that you are putting
down the wrong answer. You can pass an exam on pot luck. It's
worth the extra work, as you can get everything completely wrong
if you know exactly what the wrong answer is.
Beyond that, there is little else to advise.
Bad luck! |
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