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The fourth How To... article was on how you
can fail your GCSEs. The total lack of feedback has brought the
writer of the How To... section to the conclusion that it was
an article which once again passed the requirements for usefulness
and public interest, and so is writing another article in a similar
vein.
For many years getting a job was regarded
as the be-all and end-all of trying to live decently. Such ideas
are now best described as outmoded. It is entirely possible to
enjoy your life without working for a single minute. However,
this situation, while leaving open plenty of time for spending
time with the family, watching daytime TV, going for long walks
and learning a great deal about the world around you by reading
the Sun, is not one which Governments intentionally encourage
all members of the family to participate in - except for exceptionally
rubbish ones.
Due to this lack of encouragement - and, indeed,
the negative connotations which come with simply not having a
job all the time, which it is possible to obtain an understanding
of by reading the Daily Mail - not having a job is really
a full-time occupation requiring a great deal of effort on your
part. There are various ways to avoid having a job. Some may
ultimately impact on the value of your pension. A practical experiment
as to which ones result in a lower quality of life overall is
being established, and will be keeping a large number of people
involved in remunerative employment for some considerable period.
If the experiment is not cancelled, a report is expected in around
2130.
However, it is felt that it would be unfair
to deny the hordes of 3 loyal readers of this section the opportunity
to try out some of the methods being experimented with for themselves.
Consequently this article will cover a few of them.
The first option is simply to never leave
formal education. There are a great many full-time courses out
there open to people over the age of 16 and so, at anything between
2 and 4 years each, it should be possible to spend most of the
rest of your life carrying out such courses. The Government,
viewing you as a good investment, will pay you to do them - as
long as your household income is below a certain amount. (If
it is above a certain amount you will be dependent on your parents
for income - unless you go out and get a job, which this article
is assuming that you don't want to do). Unfortunately this sum
of money is inadequate for maintaining yourself on or for putting
down a deposit on a house (unless the economy really falls apart,
whereupon you will be totally unable to buy food but may be able
to buy a large portion of Merthyr Tydfil). You will therefore
remain dependent on money from your parents, unless they obligingly
die, whereupon you may get their house and their money - unless
you have siblings, whereupon you will get part of their house
and part of their money, or unless they view you as a total loser
and have left the whole lot to three distant relatives and the
dogs' home. In such an event you may be able to challenge the
will, but the money which the state provides for this purpose
will be paid directly to your solicitor. Put simply, if you want
this to work out then you will have to get the support of your
parents, who may want you to get a high-flying job and do well.
(Some parents don't, but they're rarely of the sort which can
afford to keep you going without a job).
The next option is to win the lottery and
invest the results carefully. This will give you enough money
to live for the rest of your life on. Unfortunately if you do
this too carefully you will turn into a stockbroker or an accountant.
If you don't do it carefully you will find yourself without any
money and in need of a new source of income. Few people win the
lottery twice, so you cannot rely on that for a way out once
you've blown your first set of winnings - indeed, the odds of
winning the lottery once are rather poor (although somebody has
to and there's no reason why it shouldn't be you) and significant
savings on this activity can be made without seriously impacting
on the liklihood of winning by not buying a ticket.
Alternatively you can take the view that the
Government keeps paying you money and being nice to you as long
as you keep applying for jobs. Therefore, all you have to do
is apply and then botch getting the job. There are a variety
of ways of doing this. If you are asked for a CV, you can handwrite
it badly, put things in the wrong places, leave gaping holes
in the account of your life for no particular reason, give the
distinct impression that you have been out of the job market
for some years due to being on holiday at Her Majesty's Pleasure,
include misspellings and grammatical inaccuracies and be rude.
Insulting former employers will give employers the impression
that you're a rude person who will talk about them behind their
back and say the same sorts of things about them in your next
job application. Insulting colleagues will give the impression
that you can't get on with people. Insulting the person who is
reading your application will just upset them.
Once in a while it may be suggested to you
that if you wish to continue receiving money you should try harder,
at which point you will have to screw up at interview instead.
This is easily done. Monosyballic responses (saying "Ugh",
"Nah", "Yeh" and "Probs" in the
answer to any questions) will lose you the job. So will swear
words, general offensiveness, racism, sexism, comments about
being a proud member of the BNP (particularly when applying to
join the police force), any of the errors suggested for your
CV, excessively casual clothes (employers curiously disapprove
of jeans and a T-shirt with certain Anglo-Saxon phrases across
it) or a late arrival.
If, following all this, you find yourself
short of money, you may wish to enter University. In order to
do this you will have to fill out a lengthy form in a tidy manner
and send it off. After some considerable expense you may be entitled
to a loan and associated grants. This will just about cover your
living costs and your accommodation bill. If you wish to continue
to receive this, you may have to attend lectures and seminars,
write essays and do exams. The Government would like it if you
did return the loans eventually, but unless your income exceeds
£15,000 per annum you won't have to.
Unfortunately few of these options allow you
to do no work at all for the rest of your life, so you may have
to juggle between them to obtain the best possible money/life
balance.
If this seems too difficult, there are a wide
variety of non-jobs out there which involve being paid to sit
around doing nothing. Many lack any form of control to ensure
that you are actually doing any work or considering any of the
decisions that you make. Therefore you can spend all day roaming
the Internet, reading this website and, if pushed for a decision,
making one on the spot with no thought for the consequences in
the knowledge that you won't be sacked. Principally these jobs
can be found in the public sector, since the private sector tends
not to have money to fritter away on people who do nothing all
day.
Oh, and we forgot to mention one other thing.
In the long run, few of the options listed here are particularly
satisfying. While the only reason that we are on this Earth is
to bring other people into the world to enjoy it too, it can
be quite boring if you don't try expanding your horisons. |
