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How To...  

Review a book 
Close a Railway
Take a castle
Fail Your GCSEs
Be Unpopular
Create a Conspiracy Theory
Control Your Government
Not Get a Job
Comment on a Planning Application
Write a Rail Franchise Application
Post a Letter
How To... menu

The "How To..." series is another of the dreadful productions from the OB. The series will consist of a collection of expensive to make articles and diagrams which we hope you will find interesting, even if they are of no practical use to you.

The "How To..."s aim to be, if not useful, at least vaguely entertaining, and either "of their time" kind of thing, or of somebody else's. Some may be of use to you, such as how complain about something to silly people who won't listen, or utterly useless, such as how to take British castles or avoid making anything of your life. Actually, those might be of use, especially if you have lots of time on your hands and can't afford the admission fee.

Here are the list of presently available titles. More will be added as and when they become available.

1) Review a book

A quick explanation of how to review any book in a brief and rapid way, while expressing as many of your opinions as appear essential for your masterpiece of literary criticism.

2) Close a Railway

This now not very popular subject is covered in detail after many years of research into the best way to close a railway.

3) Take a castle

How to take a castle, including information for today and the 13th century. More info. links are provided on the page.

4) Fail Your GCSEs

You want to fail? Go ahead! Our new helpful advice on eleven popular subjects.

5) Be Unpopular

Being unpopular can prove to be quite difficult. This page will solve all your problems on the subject.

6) Create a Conspiracy Theory

Knowing how to create one of these can be useful, particularly if you want some quick money or have a government to unseat. So here is a page on this subject.

7) Control Your Government

Always handy to know this, since Governments not kept under proper control tend to get rather uppity and take the word "Government" as meaning "control". (It actually means, in this country at least, "provide steady guidance while hoping not to be noticed" - following this definition will make you popular.)

8) Not Get a Job

Not having a job allows you more time for your hobbies and watching reality TV, but can result in irritated letters demanding to know when you are going to get off the dole. This article suggests some alternatives.

9) Comment on a Planning Application

This is a useful thing to be able to do, so here is our guarantee-free to this topic.

10) Write a Rail Franchise Application

Rail franchises come up for replacement from time to time and the popular press assure us all that they make absolutely stacks of cash. So here's a quick guide for getting in on the act. You are advised to seek professional advice and several million quid before going further.

11) Post a Letter

Posting a letter is a highly skilled process involving many technical steps. Here we demonstrate how best to go about it if you want your letter to reach its destination.


How to lose all of your money without trace

Give it to a railway company, or the Order of the Bed.

How to conquer the world

Be very popular and train a very large army. This has worked for many people, like Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar, and just having a large modern army has been useful for the British, the Dutch, the French, the Belgians, the Germans and, more recently, the Americans.

How to win lots of money

Bet on the right horse (i.e. the one that wins) in horse races.

How to bet on winning horses

Have a good tipster.

How to get a good tipster

Find one whose clients are very rich and getting richer.

How to avoid getting punished

Keep well away from all crimes.

How to write a website like this

We don't really know the answer to this one. However, that's not to say that this website wrote itself.

Last modified 18/03/11

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