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This is a satire. Sorry.
Once upon a time there
was a house. It was a large, solid house, inhabited by some tired
conservatives (who ran the place), some socialists (who didn't
like the lady the conservatives had running the place), some
liberals (who stood on the sidelines and bickered) and a group
of old men, whose fathers and grandfathers had all lived in this
house and who spent much of their time saying little and dozing
peacefully.
The house had a large
kitchen with three ovens which were always overcrowded with people
wanting to cook things in them and a reading room which had been
re-done in the 1950s and was looking a little shabby. It had
tired carpets and a couple of Rembrandts hanging on the wall,
with a cabinet which used to contain the family silver until
the conservatives sold it to pay for something. There was also
a large back garden which grew potatoes and cabbages and carrots
and a few cows and pigs and chickens (although an agreement with
some neighbouring houses meant that production was kept as low
as possible so that there was nothing left over). In the middle
of the back garden was a fine summer house, almost as old as
the main building, containing an impressive Tudor reading room
which one of the old men ran.
The lady the conservatives
had running the place eventually went a bit mad and so she was
bundled off to join the old men and replaced with a grey man
who never really came to any decisions, although he did set up
a system whereby if anyone found any garden implements lying
around the place they could ask him to put them away until they
were needed. In practice the gardener felt that this was a bit
difficult and so nothing much changed. Meanwhile the socialists
and the conservatives agreed that they would try to make the
house's value match that of a much newer house owned by some
Germans down the road, except it turned out that the British
house wasn't in a fit state for this, and all the effort made
to tidy it up instead revealed the cracks and led to the place
nearly falling down. The socialists blamed the conservatives.
Then the cows in the garden went a bit mad and the vet insisted
on shooting them. The socialists blamed the conservatives. Then
the conservatives started going to bed with one another and with
other people who they'd found around the place, which didn't
really go down very well with anyone and obtained disapproving
tuts from the old men. Then one of the garden sheds fell into
the river and the socialists blamed the conservatives. Eventually
the conservatives sold the Rembrandts and tried to use the money
to pay for a new oven, but the socialists wouldn't hear of it,
and continued blaming the conservatives for the state of the
house even when it was being rebuilt. So the conservatives handed
over to the socialists, and most of them left the house to make
a new life elsewhere.
The socialists quickly
made sweeping changes. The old men were thrown out and replaced
with a group of people who had paid one of the main groups of
residents to live in the house. The oven rota had involved people
putting their name on it for the next time it would be available
when they wanted it; the list now reached six months in advance.
Putting your name down for any time more than 24 hours away was
banned. The reading room was examined at length with several
alterations being made before it was decided to strip it out
and start again; meanwhile the socialists paid the old man who
ran the summer house so that their children could study there.
A list of all the rights and freedoms which other houses on the
road had agreed were worth having was enforced around the house
and all rights and freedoms not on that list were taken away.
Despite promising to buy the Rembrandts and the family silver
back, the socialists decided to sell the house's old gold as
well, and employed lots of bankers and consultants to tell them
how best to do things. These people were allowed to live in the
house for free. Also free to come was anyone who felt that their
previous house wasn't good enough and treated them too harshly.
Most of these people settled down and worked in the increasingly
crowded house, although a few insisted on causing trouble. Meanwhile
the animals in the garden got foot-and-mouth, so the socialists
shot them and began borrowing money to pay for the improvements
to the ovens. Two of the ovens had their grills removed while
the third had the stove plated over. A consultant was employed
to tell people how to use the ovens, while an accountant was
engaged to see how savings could be made on oven provision. One
of the people who had bought one of the Rembrandts from the conservatives
found themselves in money problems, so the socialists began telling
them how to look after the Rembrandt and letting them borrow
money on their behalf, while assuring everyone that they hadn't
actually reclaimed the Rembrandt, as though this was a bad thing.
Meanwhile the American
house three streets away was having some trouble with some people
who were attacking their postbox. Unfortunately these people
lived in the same house as the man who owned the local petrol
station, so the Americans attacked another house and asked the
socialists to help. Despite the fact that the house was large
and rambling with many hidden corridors and rooms and had been
attacked by several people before without success the socialists
were delighted to assist - it made them look big. They also joined
in with another house which was alleged to have big vicious dogs
for mass destruction, but it rapidly turned out that they were
merely a mirage in the desert. What the owner did have was an
unlicensed abbatoir, and so he was executed for not complying
with the relevant regulations.
At this stage it came
as a great shock to the socialists when they realised that their
piggy-bank was empty. Having failed to blame the conservatives,
they tried blaming the Americans. The conservatives blamed the
socialists for spending so much on the ovens. When the house
was raided and one of the conservatives arrested, the conservatives
blamed the socialists. The socialists were willing to talk to
the French and the Germans, but the conservatives wouldn't hear
of it. Meanwhile the socialists decided to refill the piggy bank
by spending more money, pointing out that all the other houses
in the street were spending money and adding that if it hadn't
been for them the whole estate would have collapsed. The subsequent
retraction was missed, because the conservatives were laughing
too much, although they eventually calmed down enough to point
out that the other houses in the street had got their money out
of their piggy bank.
The conservatives finally
got their act together enough to wrest control of the house back
from the socialists (with the help of some liberally-minded friends).
The liberally-minded inhabitants are now taking the flack for
everything that the conservatives do. It appears that the house
will survive but several bits are having to be lopped off so
that the conservatives can refill the piggy bank with the savings.
Particularly annoying for the conservatives is that several years
ago they decided to join a credit union on the street corner
which now wants them to help pay for emergency repairs to several
nearby collapsing houses.
Fortunately arrangements
have been made to fulfill the dying promise of the socialists
- to reframe the Rembrandt which they are still assuring everyone
that they don't really own. It is looking rather like the Rembrandt
is taking them to the cleaners rather than vice versa. |
